I can’t even talk about it. Not because I don’t want to. But because I just can’t. But I’m trying. And I talked to Alison for a really long time. I was going to call Ekaterina and I was going to actually use my voice, with the lisp the accent the stutter, I was going to say these words that I’ve never been able to say, that I can barely create with my fingers and these keys to show up on this monitor, because I just don’t know. I never know. It’s so late and I don’t think anyone will read this and that’s why I am saying all this now.

I have spent all this time trying to sink. Trying to melt away. I have watered myself down on purpose. I have no personality. I am boring. I am dull. I want to be nothing. I like it that way. Because I hate Sarah Kaitlin Parker. I wish she did not exist. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate Sarah Kaitlin Parker.

And telling myself to go away go away go away go away why won’t you just go away why are you here, it doesn’t help, and I’m stuck. And people say that they worry about me, but there’s no need to worry about me at all because I’m fine. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m not doing anything self-destructive. It’s just this quiet loathing for everything I am. And a hope that one day I will meet someone who loves me, and I will always ask them whywhywhy do you love someone so horrible so disgusting so mean so ugly so awful and I will drive them away, just like I drove all of my friends away and now I’m alone and I always will be.

Goodnight.